Monday, July 19, 2010

Getting Real

So I have really been doing a lot of soul searching lately,
trying to figure out why it is hard for me to stay committed to my weight-loss.
On my other blog I have talked about an incident in my past when I was fourteen,
and now that I have talked about it I am feeling like I don't have to hide anymore.
So it is strange to me that by doing so, I have lost ten pounds in the last two weeks
without even trying. It is not what your eating, its what is eating you. I am not sure who
said that, and I used to hear it and think what a bunch of whoha.
I would always say I am fat because I love the taste of food, because I eat too much,
because I don't exercise, because, because....but I could never rationalize that it might
be something from inside. Would'nt  by admitting that, you may as well say you have a problem.
Why was that so hard, and why did it take me so long to figure out.
I grew up in a normal loving family(with it's own level of dysfunction)
I believe that dysfunction can also be believed to be normal,
until you realize that hold on, this was not normal at all.
I think that is why I hate the word normal, and the word
comfortable, nothing scares me more.
When I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy/Cataplexy I felt like I was told I was broken.
I know that sounds silly, but I refused to play the victim. No pity parties for me,
and a lot of people had it harder.....what I did do though was wait for the old me,
(wishing I would get my energy back, wishing I could drive, wishing I could work,
wishing I would not have to sleep so much,,,,,,just like wishing to be skinny...)
I can honestly say I don't wish anymore for such things.
I am who I am, and if I want to be healthier,
I have to get up off my behind and start doing the work.
I read somewhere something like this,
We can not be short of time,
Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, etc
all had the same 24 hours in a day
and they found the time.
So without going on and on,
My number one priority is exercising,
and healthy eating, and I guess more soul searching.
I do believe I am in the Best time of My Life,
and I am so excited to be able to look at things
with a different perspective.
Sometimes changing your perspective
can change the outcome.
To think I was going to just say,
Have a Great Monday.
Take care.


  1. HEY GIRL-

    embracing one's truth is very freeing and allows us to NOT have to hide, weather it be behind the weight from too much food or the high from booze or drugs or shopping or the thrill from sex with out feeling and so forth. Once the truth is embraced we start to need the escapes far less. I went to great lengths to separate myself from myslef until i stopped and faced "it". I read someone where also that we are "all, always moving toward or away from a purpose"......I think sometimes they clash and we have to re-direct, ya know?

    I am managing the pain in my knee and leg(s) as I 'move' toward pain-free mobility and more endurance. I know it is a liong road back but for today i am glad I can make it in to the bathroom without twirling the rollator - I made it with a cane those few steps. I felt so free in that AND I was able to get the rollator on to the deck, as you know so I felt free there too. I am trying to have patience and find gratitude in each pain free step. I love you girl - I do.

    peace and hope for us all

  2. Just take one day at a time Cinner! Do all things that are good for you and you will do fine. Soul searching, exercise and healthy eating are all good you are on the right track!
    Hugging you sweetie

  3. I hear ya Cinner. Since I have been working on the internal stuff and have been hovering at the same weight for awhile but hoping the WL will start happening soon. xoxo Thanks for all your support by the way. It means A LOT!!!!

  4. Insightful, Cinner.
    Now what comes next?
    Looks like it's well underway!
    Congrats on the loss, friend!

  5. I just picked up on that post on your other blog. I am sending you the biggest hug across the ocean. You have faced up to something so difficult and you emerge a stronger person! Your fabulous weight loss is physical evidence of your success. Keep going :o) Take care, love 'n' hugs, Angela xxxxxxx

  6. Good for you cinner.....I know you must feel so much lighter just by accepting and releasing what happened to you, now along with the weight
    loss you are definitely moving forward as you should. Love your truth or as Gail says "its"
    God Bless.......:-) Hugs

  7. Bernie, it feels like a real weight off my shoulders, I wish I could have done it sooner, but we all face our its when we can. hugs to you my ray of sunshine.

    Angela, thank you so much, the biggest hug across the ocean, I can always use one of those. I really believe I am going in the right direction.

    Anne, thank you, what comes next, bloodwork in the morning and tests booked for the aug. 11...and what comes next walking one step at a time. be well my friend.

    Katie J, we support you because of who you are, your a love, know I am thinking of you and all you are gong through right now. hugs.

    SueAnn, every day I think about you walking to the end of your driveway and now doing 3 miles a day. that inspires me so. hugs to you, have a great day.

    Gail, thank you, your first sentence sums it up freeing, yes, I am never hiding again. thank you for your comments, it is truly appreciated, and has come from your heart. hugs, Please be patient with your knee, little by little, get as much fresh air as you can. love you too, hugs.

  8. Cinner, the first time I read about your weight struggle (many posts back) I felt that there may be something more deep than just the love for food in that ... it usually is that way. Then I read about your horrific experience when you were 14 and it made a click ... I never told you because I don't know you that well and I would feel like I'm 'putting my nose' there where is should not be ... ! I think that you've got it right when you say "It is not what your eating, its what is eating you" ... I wish you, dear Cinner, that your Soul may find the peace that you need ... as it may heal all the rest in your life ... or at least a part of it ... have a beautiful day!

  9. I do agree Cinner. Sometimes we just have to put all of our energies into the now and the future. Sometimes that can be a bit tricky but it sure seems to help! Love Di ♥

  10. Wow, Cinner. You said it all.... "Sometimes changing your perspective
    can change the outcome." I firmly believe that.

    Keep moving forward and congrats on the loss!!!

    xoxoxoxo jj

  11. Learning the lessons, changing the perspectyives and knowing we completely deserve the very best, that the Universe wants us to have it, that is what will get us where we need to go. Brava, Cinner, for how you keep on moving forward.
    Big Love !

  12. Cinner,
    I know what you mean about being diagnosed with something and it making you feel broken. But you are not.

    I was watching CNN yesterday and there was a reporter from London interviewing the CEO of Weight Watchers. I marveled as they sat in a restaurant enjoying a meal discussing the obesity in this country. Hmmmph, I thought. I can't afford weight wise to eat out in a restaurant where sodium is out the wazoo. At the end of the meal, these two thin men were about to entertain dessert. The reporter asked what is the best thing to order for dessert....he said Meringue. The interview ended and I was angry. Meringue, do you know how much sugar is in that dessert. I would have ordered fruit, and still gained a pound.

    Cinner, I take after my Grandmother and I am heavier than I would like to be. Yet, she was too and she lived to be 89 years old. She ate butter, did tons of baking and smiled allot. I know it is good to be healthy, but as I sit eating a bowl of salad, my always skinny husband eats a bowl of four brownies and several scoops of ice cream.

    My Grandmother used to tell me, in a forest there are fat trees and there are thin trees. No one knows why that is, but be satisfied with who you are. This was the best advice that she ever gave to me. I have two skinny sisters who eat anything that they want. My one daughter takes after me, but has learned to accept herself.

    When I turned fifty I fell and hurt my knee...never to be able to exercise a gazillion hours a day to be thinner. I gained sixty pounds and have never been able to take it off. When I turned sixty-one, I thought...this is as good as it is going to get. Would I be happier thinner suffering with cancer? I have been diagnosed with hypo-thyroidism. My thyroid is slow. Well, I could have told them that when I sit with my husband downing containers of haggan daz, and I eat carrot sticks.

    Don't be discouraged, give it to the Lord, accept who you are and remember we are all different. We are the first generation to be obsessed with weight. You are beautiful the way you are. There are lots of thin beautiful people who are sickly and miserable. God made all of us to be different.


  13. Karen, thank you so much for your comment, your husband reminds me of mine, he is out playing ball right now and will come home and hit the ice cream immediately. lol. I like your Grandma, every time mine would see me she would say there is nothing wrong with having a little meat on your bones. I laugh now thinking about it. I was always able to do things before and that is what I am finding the hardest, I used to stand on my feet all day for eight hours, but common sense tells me how blessed I am compared to others. lord knows I am lucky. how did you hurt your knee,,,,I will keep your Grandmas advice in mind. It is good. husbands favorite desert is lemon meringue pie...go figure....I try real hard to stay away from salt...but if chocolate comes in here I am all over it does not come in often... You are right about all of us being different. what a boring world if we all looked the same...I hope you have a great week, be well. hugs,

  14. Kim Malhout, Forward and onward, I do pretty good most days. I know I want to be healthier than I am, today is a good day. thanks for commenting. hugs.

    Joanna, thank you, taking a step back from it is all we need too. take care. glad you had such a lovely trip. hugs.

    Diana, to the here and the now. How have you been doing. Have you been keeping busy. I don't know what happens to my thanks for commenting me and thank you for your support. It is always appreciated. take care.

  15. Birdie, opening up about the past has surprised me, I never thought I was hiding from it, but by hiding it from others, I was hiding. so it does feel very empowering at this stage of my life...and you know what the sky did not fall in.Thank you for your support Birdie, I appreciate all your visits. health and happiness, hugs.

  16. This is amazing. This is the second time today that I have had a discussion with a friend moments before reading a blog post about exactly the same subject! My friend was explaining the correlation between her weight loss this year and her writing a book about the abuse she suffered throughout her childhood. I searched your other blog and found the post. Thank you for telling your story. May the telling heal you completely, and may others be healed as well.

  17. beautiful's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you...brilliant!

  18. Kathryn, I believe it, and that is how I have felt reading certain blog posts, and reading those has made me quit hiding. I never realized I was until I opened up about it, and can literally feel the stress vanish. Thank you for your kind words. I think I still have a book in me, okay naybe a couple. lol. take care.

    Se'lah, I don't know if it is brilliant, I have heard it before but would insist that not everyone whom is plus size has something in their past...I realize I do, so I guess I was in denial for a long time. In my heart and mind I feel so blessed lately. I think it s with all the love I have in my life. Big hugs Se'lah. One love.

  19. Uncovering what makes you eat is 70% of the struggle. As you heal, so will your eating patterns. Big hug to you, Cinner.

  20. Shell that is just what I needed a big hug from a most wonderful woman with one of the best smiles. You are one of these persons that lights up a room. And I think uncovering it, has made it easier for me already strange is it not. Hugs to you my friend. I will be by to visit you soon.have a good day/


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