Friday, April 23, 2010

Oh so Getting Real.

All my life I have been a Plus Size Gal.
In school, I always had lots of  friends,
I was confidant, played sports,
dated a guy on the Football team.
I graduated at 180 pounds,
I wore a gown like the color above.
I was always out on the weekends,
I was happy, had a great sense of humor.
Voted most likely to laugh the most in life.
And inside I was alone.
I always heard lose weight or you will never get a job,
too bad you were not skinny like so and so,
why could I not be like my older sister,
Jeez louise where did they come up with this shit.
I believe that my  mother attempted to try and help me to lose weightt,
Oh yes every desert was made from low cal, so it would not hurt ya..
She would sit me down in the morning and talk to me about dieting,
All us kids would bet that there would be baking galore when we got home.
I am not blaming my mother, but she did pour out her love for all of us by cooking.
So off I went into the world,
alone to a new city,
and I was determined to show that I did not need to be skinny to become a sucess.
My first job interview was at a clothing store,
and I was told we had to wear the sizes they sold which was to a size 12.
I  was a size 16....
As I left that interview I could hear my mother say, 
If you would have taken better care of yourself you would of had the job.
To make a long story short,
that is the only job that I never got,
Every job I have worked my way up into Management
and never heard that I was not good enough again!
When I would go home to visit,
if I had lost any weight I would have a great visit,
and if not I would not..
Over the years I have learned
that I am perfect how I am.
And that I love me,
That there might be some things I would like to change,
But most of us have that.
Change brings growth and learning.
I have discovered how strong I am,
Both my husbands have thought of me
as a very sexy woman who is loving and caring.
When I divorced my first husband,
we held hands and said we were two people
from two different backgrounds,
and that I was better off to not be on the path he was on.
I have been remarried now for 11 years
to my second husband.
He is very active, plays sports,
we even coached a ball team together
about 8 years ago.
we had lots of fun.
and my weight is not an issue,
However at this time of my life,
my health is an issue.
This is why I now am trying so hard to lose some weight,
not because of what others possibly could think,
but because I want to be more active,
and walk down the street without losing my breath,
My mother believes I am sick because I am overweight.
The two have nothing in common,
weight loss would help me move around more,
but it will not cure my illness,
as there is no cure.
Since my Dad died, my mother and I have become very close,
She is old school and has her own views, I let her know mine.
I will say Mom, I don't even want to go there with you....
sometimes she will start to say something,....and then say, oh right you don't want to go there.
Bottom line is I don't want to be my father,
and find myself dying because I did not take care of myself.
I am responsible for me.
I worked and was active all the way up to 250,
then I got sick and everything is so difficult,
and over the last seven years I got up to 303.
now I weigh 273. bit because I have been so idle,
I would say right now my body is so deconditioned
that the shape I am in at 46
scares the heck out of me.
My belief system is to try and live Every Day as if it were my Best Day.
and I do live the best I know how,
but right now at this weight there is never a day that I  don't fear,
That just maybe this could be my last.
This is not a pity party,
this is getting to the reality of my situation.
I am on a list for Gastric Bypass Surgery,
I am not even sure that is an option .
because of my weight and whether I would be strong enough for it.
So, I am putting on my big girl panties and getting really serious.
I thank all of you for all your support,
some of you inspire me everyday,
your success stories help to keep me going,
your stories remind me that I am not alone.
I Thank You.


  1. Keep going! You will make it. Your attitude is fantastic. Many with your health issues would have just lain down and given up. You have an amazing spirit and a good heart. I am supporting you all the way xxx

  2. HEY GIRL-

    Great post! Wow, I felt it all. I recall shopping at a store called "Robert Hall" for school clothes in a section called, "CHUBETTe"!! Can you even freaking imagine. I thoroughly respect and appreciate your journey and I admire your honesty.
    I love you girl "hey"

  3. Ever since I've had kids I've struggled with weight. Right now I am just happy if I don't gain anymore! It too effects my health but I get so tired of worrying about it. Like I said I'm just happy if I don't gain anymore. I wish you well Cinner and if the surgery is what you really want and can do it, go for it. I have a friend that has lost over 100 lbs. since her surgery. She looks wonderful! Love Di ♥

  4. I have been a plump girl all my life.
    What has helped me get some weight speaking up more for myself, putting distance from people who bring suck my energy and put myself first when I have to make a decision..
    Some of that weight was literally stuff going in my life.
    Maybe doing it this way along with eating healthier and diet can help you as well.

    I believe in you and I know you will find a way to release weight and get to the size that you feel comfortable in.

  5. Cinner, You have a lovely attitude about life and living. So many people feel alone inside no matter what their race, size or the amount of money they have. Happiness comes from other things. Lovely and intimate post.

  6. Hiya, Cinner!
    Just checking in and saying "you go girl!"

  7. oh cinner I wish for you everything you want for yourself, be happy and healthy my friend, and I think anne h can really support you through this (well I know she does already but perhaps she has tips you can use) I need to loose weight as well but I am just to lazy to do it on my own........:-) Hugs

  8. This is my first visit Cinner, but I shall be back! Thank you for telling of your experiences and sharing with us. Your interview story is simular to one I experienced - although, at the time I wasn't the 'big girl' they wouldn't hire. I wouldn't get the chance now because I have changed in my size (by more than a few) but I love myself for who I have become.

  9. Hi Cinner, I found you through Se'lah and Soul Aperture. I enjoy your blog and as for the weight - my aunt has struggled with weight for years years years and she was very overweight. She was the only one in the family and as I believe she was eating up because she was trying to feed some missing pieces in her life. Last year she started to eat mindfully. Less. And healthier. And she did put so much weight off. I also heard that the book from Thich Nhat Hanh Mindful living Mindful Eating was of a help to many. I admire your honesty and I wish you that you may find the inner strength that will help you to get there where you want to be. Nice meeting you! Have a lovely Sunday :-)

  10. Dear Cinner, Your attitude and spirit will help pull you through this journey.... and we'll be here cheering you on.
    This was a really heart-felt post. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
    xoxo jj

  11. nice to see you,

    Happy Tuesday!

  12. love the tree on top,
    you have rich inner wisdom and what a shining poem!

  13. You can do anything you set your mind to. We will be cheering you on!!


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