Oh so Getting Real.

 

All my life I have been a Plus Size Gal.

In school, I always had lots of  friends,

I was confidant, played sports,

dated a guy on the Football team.

I graduated at 180 pounds,

I wore a gown like the color above.

I was always out on the weekends,

I was happy, had a great sense of humor.

Voted most likely to laugh the most in life.

......................

And inside I was alone.

I always heard lose weight or you will never get a job,

too bad you were not skinny like so and so,

why could I not be like my older sister,

Jeez louise where did they come up with this shit.

I believe that my  mother attempted to try and help me to lose weightt,

Oh yes every desert was made from low cal, so it would not hurt ya..

She would sit me down in the morning and talk to me about dieting,

All us kids would bet that there would be baking galore when we got home.

I am not blaming my mother, but she did pour out her love for all of us by cooking.

................................

So off I went into the world,

alone to a new city,

and I was determined to show that I did not need to be skinny to become a sucess.

My first job interview was at a clothing store,

and I was told we had to wear the sizes they sold which was to a size 12.

I  was a size 16....

As I left that interview I could hear my mother say, 

If you would have taken better care of yourself you would of had the job.

.................

To make a long story short,

that is the only job that I never got,

Every job I have worked my way up into Management

and never heard that I was not good enough again!

............

When I would go home to visit,

if I had lost any weight I would have a great visit,

and if not I would not..

..............

Over the years I have learned

that I am perfect how I am.

And that I love me,

That there might be some things I would like to change,

But most of us have that.

Change brings growth and learning.

I have discovered how strong I am,

Both my husbands have thought of me

as a very sexy woman who is loving and caring.

When I divorced my first husband,

we held hands and said we were two people

from two different backgrounds,

and that I was better off to not be on the path he was on.

I have been remarried now for 11 years

to my second husband.

He is very active, plays sports,

we even coached a ball team together

about 8 years ago.

we had lots of fun.

and my weight is not an issue,

 

.............

However at this time of my life,

my health is an issue.

This is why I now am trying so hard to lose some weight,

not because of what others possibly could think,

but because I want to be more active,

and walk down the street without losing my breath,

My mother believes I am sick because I am overweight.

The two have nothing in common,

weight loss would help me move around more,

but it will not cure my illness,

as there is no cure.

..............

Since my Dad died, my mother and I have become very close,

She is old school and has her own views, I let her know mine.

I will say Mom, I don't even want to go there with you....

sometimes she will start to say something,....and then say, oh right you don't want to go there.

...............

Bottom line is I don't want to be my father,

and find myself dying because I did not take care of myself.

I am responsible for me.

I worked and was active all the way up to 250,

then I got sick and everything is so difficult,

and over the last seven years I got up to 303.

now I weigh 273. bit because I have been so idle,

I would say right now my body is so deconditioned

that the shape I am in at 46

scares the heck out of me.

...........

My belief system is to try and live Every Day as if it were my Best Day.

and I do live the best I know how,

but right now at this weight there is never a day that I  don't fear,

That just maybe this could be my last.

This is not a pity party,

this is getting to the reality of my situation.

I am on a list for Gastric Bypass Surgery,

I am not even sure that is an option .

because of my weight and whether I would be strong enough for it.

.................

So, I am putting on my big girl panties and getting really serious.

I thank all of you for all your support,

some of you inspire me everyday,

your success stories help to keep me going,

your stories remind me that I am not alone.

I Thank You.